Taking A Step Back

Why is it that when I take time to just do something that doesn't require brain power, I feel guilty about taking that time? Could it be peer pressure and other people's opinions? I remember years ago, I used to play Farmville. Along with playing Farmville, I used to like to look through Facebook to see what my friends were doing in their life's -- and would give my likes, etc. At that time, I had hundreds of Facebook friends. Today, I have 52 friends. The reason why I only have 52 friends now is because the noise of everyone's opinions got too loud for me and started to stress me out rather than relaxing me. I ended up deleting my Facebook for awhile, but then became too disconnected from my close friends in the process who lived elsewhere in the world. 

Farmville however was my favorite thing to do after I got off work in the evening hours. This game was such a relaxing game for me. I had two very well maintained farms. I also used to spend money to get the upgraded items to put on my farm so I could have something beyond the ordinary. It was a mindless game of harvesting crops and feeding animals. Because they were so pretty and well maintained, I would have many friends visit my farm. It was during a time when I had a very high pressure demanding job and was a full time wife and mother. Everything having to do with our existence seemed to land on my shoulders. I was very well aware that God was present and I was prayerful to get through my days, but my days were consumed by serving others and it was exhausting.

Unknown to me, at the time, I didn't know that Farmville was posting things on my Facebook wall about my status as I played and also encouraged my friends to join Farmville to be "part of the fun". Well one of my friends private messaged me and told me to stop sending him the notifications to join the game. I informed him that I wasn't sending him any notifications. However, he continued to berate the fact that he didn't waste his time playing "ancillary" games. I think he got this word  "ancillary" because he was a politician and used to support the operations of different organizations that support his political position within a city. After further thought, I guess he thought by his joining that somehow it would benefit me in some way (I guess in an indirect way it could if he were to send me gifts as part of the game) Again he mentioned that he didn't like to play games that consumed his time. Either way, he made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I apologized, but assured him I didn't know that he was getting requests from me to join the game. So I further researched what he was talking about and found out that I had somehow linked my play to my Facebook account -- so I just deleted it so my friends wouldn't get the notifications. However, after his conversation, I started to feel guilty about how much time I spent on the game.

To this day, I empty my brain by playing video games on my tablet and phone when I just want to not do something that costs money or consumes my brain cells. However, as I'm playing I tend to lean back on that I'm wasting time playing.

I remember quite often coming home from work and asking my kids to hold off for about fifteen minutes before demanding me to do some task for them or to ask me what was for dinner. I didn't want to have to make any decisions if just for a few minutes. I had already been making decisions and working for several employers from 8 to 12 hours, depending on the day and activities involved on my work agenda. My kids, husband included, were so cooperative to let me just sit in my chair emptying my brain. I would rejuvenate and then start my home duties that were required of me for the next few hours.

Today, my life isn't quite as hectic as it was back then due to me being retired. Also all my kids are now grown and very independent on their own. My companion has challenges and requires some caregiving and attention. I am happy with him, but sometimes I can tell when I'm doing too much. My body starts aching and I feel like I'm rushing around. So, even now, I have to take time to rest my brain and body. Most of my time for relaxing, I like to do Bible Study and read, I like to play my piano and guitar, I like to create art using different mediums -- I keep my brain active by doing things I like to do outside of my more tedious responsibilities. However, I still like to fall back on completely emptying my brain by playing video games -- but again, if I spend more than 15 minutes doing so, I start to feel guilty for wasting time.

So as I was sitting there feeling guilty about playing my game and wasting my time, I started to self talk and ask, "Cindy, why do you feel guilty?" Then I started reflecting back on the opinions of not only that one friend, but several people who have harsh opinions about playing video games and wasting time. I started to think about my blog and decided to write about my angst in liking to play video games to wind down. In my reflection, I decided that I needed to not be so hard on myself as it is okay to take a step back and just relax.

Then I further contemplated that I'm actually doing laundry and waiting for it to be done in order to switch it, so technically I'm multitasking. Then I started to think that because I'm having my Thanksgiving tomorrow, I probably should start prepping items I'll be putting together for tomorrow's meal.  Doing early prep would save me time, so that I can spend more time enjoying the company of my family instead of running around preparing everything as they are waiting. I like to take in as much as I can when my children are visiting me. We don't get as much time together due to distance and work/school schedules.

As you can see, I thought about doing a blog today, so I became productive and pulled away from my mindless tasks as I write this. I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday!!