At Times, I'm My Own Obstacle

Because the holidays are here, I've been enjoying the company of family that I don't usually get the opportunity to see as often as I would like. My first visit was with my nephew and his beautiful wife. They had a couple's weekend in San Francisco and then made a detour to come see their Auntie Cindy. I love that my adult nephews and nieces call me Auntie.

So in their visit, I got the opportunity to ask my nephew to play some music and sing for me. He is the son to my late brother who passed down his musical genius to him. My nephew writes songs and plays the guitar just like my brother. He plays the piano as well and shared his playing improvising methods with me. He also sings. He has a very pretty voice along with his ability to play instruments. So initially when I heard his guitar playing, it totally made me emotional, because he strums and picks the guitar just like my brother and it just brought back a flood of memories of when my brother and I used to sing and play our guitars together. Well in the process of playing for me, his wife had video taped him and in the process got a view of myself sitting enjoying the music. But when I viewed the video, I loved what I heard and looking at him, but when I saw how I had scrunched up my body in my chair and all the skin of the weight that I had lost was bunched up into the center of my body, all I could concentrate on was how fat and enormously horrible I looked.

A day later, I had the privilege of my sons visit me on their way down to see my son in loves family after flying into San Francisco. They stayed the night with me and my companion and we sure did enjoy their company. However, in the process of our visit, my son said that he brought some Lafufu's to give away as he was visiting. I told him I thought they were so cute and really enjoyed the videos he always sent me as he was opening the boxes to the ones he is collecting. He told me, you are in luck -- I have one for you. He asked if I would mind if he video taped me to send to my daughter so she could see me opening my first Lafufu unboxing. Of course and he video taped me. I should have edited it. Again, I was sitting scrunched up on my recliner sitting crossed legged and just enjoying the moment of opening my Lafufu. In that video, I saw a person I didn't want to see. Again, because of my weight loss, I have excess skin that if I sit certain ways, I just looked enormous and if I hold my face back, all the skin of the weight I lost around my face still has sagging skin that looks like chins if I'm not angled properly. I shared my dislike of being captured with both videos with my son. I told him that's why I don't like being photographed. When I take selfies of myself, I am able to angle myself so that my wrinkle dog skin is adjusted accordingly. I have gone from 228lbs. to 177lbs. and as an older woman, I no longer have the elasticity to have the skin shrink back -- when I was losing my weight, I hadn't realized this would be the case. However, I feel so much better and my health is much better than it had been when I was morbidly obese.

So my son told me, Mom you have accomplished so much by losing weight. You are healthy and you look so much better than most women your age. He emphasized to me that if I presented God with a drawing of how I wanted to be transformed to and He made me exactly like that drawing that I would still find fault in myself. He told me that I needed to see myself how other people see me and to quit focussing so much on the negative. My son has wisdom, because imagine how I would have felt being video taped at 228lbs. and I have those pictures too. I remember as I started shedding my pounds and was able to get into smaller clothes how wonderful that felt. The son who gave me these words of wisdom also is the one who told me to quit taking myself out of family portraits as one day those will be the only memories he will have of me and he loves me as I am. (Typing this with welled up eyes.) I allow myself to be photographed now with other family members..

Self-love is so hard for me at times. Especially when it comes to body image. In a sense, I'm also telling God that what He has created is ugly and I'm sure God isn't happy about my attitude. After all, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The majority of time I'm such a happy person and exert that in my personality -- I guess as long as I don't have to see myself animated or taken at a bad angle, I'm okay with who I am.

I'm also reading a book by Jennifer Dukes Lee called Growing Slow. I've read about half the book now and am really learning about letting things take their time to manifest and not be in such a rush all the time. When I think about all the years, I've struggled with my weight and where I am now with it -- it was a long slow process. I'm finally at a point where I actually had prayed about being. -- I prayed to God that I didn't want to be skinny, just healthy. He answered my prayer. I remember when I broke under 200lbs., how ecstatic I was about it. It had been several years since I had broken that goal. I know in my heart that I need to work really hard just to maintain what I have accomplished and thank God, I have been able to maintain the weight I am currently at for four years now.  I'm no longer diabetic or pre diabetic, my blood work is all normal. Although I have a chronic thyroid condition, even that is manageable because of the weight loss. My arthritis is still there, but certainly much better than carrying the additional 50lbs. that was on my poor little bones before my weight loss. I know I'm in a season and I need to be content and just be still.

After starting the Growing Slow book, I realized how I've been looking on the field of my youngest two sons' education and we are starting to see the sprouts coming out of the seeds that have been sown for now over six years. I need to learn that certain goals and achievements in life are not instantaneous and that they take time to cultivate. I'm so proud of their hard work. One of the boys told me that he was so sorry it has taken so long for them to finish. I had to remind him that there were obstacles placed before them that were out of their control and not even their fault. They fulfilled their obligations and responsibilities.

I know and thank God that he has given me 65 years of cultivation and being patient with me when it comes to my relationship with Him. As you might have read in my previous blogs, you can see how I have backslidden and been restored a number of times. I'm now in a season of learning to read the Bible like I should have been reading it for years. And in the process, I'm learning things about myself and why my life has taken some of the turns it has -- some good and some not so good. I placed obstacles in my way that could have been avoided by being still and taking life slow. But one thing I do need to learn is that everything in this life has a season. (I wrote about this too in a previous blog post.)

I need to grow slow and be still. I need to also be thankful and content for what is happening right at this moment and enjoy the blessings I've been given.