Regrets

Regrets, I've had a few. If only we could go back and correct some of the regrets from our past. Unfortunately, they become part of our story.

A regret I've always had was that I wasn't a consistent Christian. My goodness, the many times that I've backslidden and not behaved in my life as a Christian. There were times when people would ask if I was Christian and even through my life didn't reflect it, I would always answer yes. However, sometimes I would have shame along with that answer, because I wouldn't want to be anyone's example of a Christian during my backslidden phases. I never wanted to deny being a Christian at the same time though, because even in my fallen state, I knew who I belonged to and to deny Jesus would be an all time low for me. I can tell you this though, I know people who have remained faithful and have been exemplary in their example of what Christianity should look like. One of my favorite Christians is Pastor Greg Laurie. Now that is a man who has been consistent in his belief system and reflects how a Christian should be living. Another person who had maintained her Christianity all her life was an ex-sister in law of mine. Her name was Jean -- she is with the Lord now. But she emulated Christianity. Even as she aged and had some health issues that caused her great discomfort, she always praised the Lord, She eventually lost her sight, but my daughter had informed me that the last time that she sat next to her even in her final days, she would still greet everyone with the same beautiful Christian faith she always possessed and radiated. She was always a servant to our Lord and she would love everyone she met. I regret that I wasn't consistent like these two examples. I have several more Christians in my life, but these two people I had the opportunity to watch their walks for years and they never stumbled.

I regret I never told my Mom the first time at 11 years old when I was first touched inappropriately by a family member -- no matter what consequences she would have had to bear that I thought would have been too much for her. The fear of the unknown caused me to suffer for much longer than I should have. I will admit this now, I had a fear also because of the physical abuse I had already suffered at their hands, that I may not have survived or had been beaten for speaking up for myself. It wasn't worth becoming a lifetime family scapegoat as the result of keeping his sick secret from her. I'm not sure the outcome of having to grow up in the same household would have changed as the result of disclosure, but I regret letting this occur many, many times from the age of 11-13 years old.

I've always regretted asking my Mom to pluck my eyebrows. I have looked everyday into my mirror since I was 16 years old and regretted what she did to my eyebrows. If you are familiar with Brooke Shields and her wonderful set of eyebrows, those are what mine used to look like -- only mine was one unibrow that went across my forehead. One time, I got this brilliant idea and used my Dad's razor and shaved straight down the middle of my two eyebrows. Because at the time my face was very tiny, the blade took my eyebrows too far in. I looked ridiculous until my hair grew back in. My Mom had witnessed what I had done and when they grew back in, she offered to pluck my eyebrows for me. I thought she would do a nice trim in the center and take a little off the bottom and I would be left with the perfect eyebrows, but instead she plucked and when she was through, she handed me a hand mirror. I asked her what did she do to me? She had plucked all my thick beautiful eyebrows down to a pencil tin arch of hair. They looked ridiculous and all I could do was cry. She told me, they will grow back. THE NEVER GREW BACK and I've lived with these less than an eyebrow eyebrows for all these years. I tried growing them back, but when they did -- they looked so sparse. There was a time when stenciling eyebrows on were the fad and I really liked how they looked, but then that fad went away. Until a few years ago, when all the ladies started looking like Groucho Marx. I didn't even attempt that style of eyebrow. I tried pencils, but they just never looked right again. So I was stuck with my small thin eyebrows for all these years. They are thicker than the original damage she caused, but they never came back to the full eyebrows I had. Now I see my granddaughter who has the eyebrows I used to have and I tell her, never let your mother pluck your eyebrows for you!! LOL -- I'm sure my daughter would do of lovely job and not massacre hers like my Mom did mine.

I regret that I formed terrible eating habits as I grew up and really struggled with my weight for so many years. I regret that I didn't stick to an exercise regime that would have assisted in keeping my weight off, even with my hypothyroidism. I've met many ladies who have had the same thyroid condition as I have had, but managed to maintain a normal weight. Their regime always included exercise. Finally as I aged, I had incorporated exercise into my life five days out of the week and I was able to lose a substantial amount of weight, but I regret all the years that I struggled with my weight and thus developed additional health issues, which thank you Jesus, I have not had to revisit for over four years now. I started to see a fluctuation in my weight this past year and because at one time I had developed type 2 diabetes, my doctor was able to get me approved for Ozempic -- it is in fact, a miracle drug. I'm not as dedicated to the same exercise regime that originally helped me keep the weight off, but I stay very active and try not to be sedentary during my retirement. Even my companion tells me that I'm always moving. I remind him if I stopped moving, my arthritis would atrophy me and I would gain so much weight back. I thank God I had a fast metabolism up until I turned 20, then my battle with the bulge took over for many years.

Here is where things get muddy for me, because I definitely don't ever, ever regret having my four beautiful wonderful children. However, I regret that I ever got married. As you know from previous blogs, I have been married to four different men five times and divorced five times. There is only one marriage that I don't regret happening and that is because that ex-husband to this day is an amazing person and for the most part, had always treated me right. My oldest son is so fortunate to have this man as his father. I am also very blessed that even though we were divorced, we are still very close friends when we see each other. I love him very much. It's unfortunate that we let third person elements entered into our marriage and I wasn't wise enough to recognize that we probably could have worked through my issues in order to still be married today. But then, had that happened, I wouldn't have been blessed with my other three children. I often think, if only I hadn't married the other three men, but still had my children, but that would go totally against my Christian values, which I already have sexual immorality (another regret) sin in my past. I thank God, He sent Jesus to restore my fallen state of existence.

This leads into another regret I've always had in my life. I wished I had never lowered my standard of what a good marriage would look like for me. The number one priority on that list would be that my husband would have to be a Christian and equally yoked to me. And regardless how materialistic this sounds, said potential husband would need to be responsible with his finances and education and drive a nice car. Said husband would also need to be a virgin -- even with my innocence robbed from me in my childhood and teens, when I married my first husband I had never consented to sexual intercourse with any other man in my life up to my first marriage. Although my mother had thought otherwise of me. There were a couple close calls, but it never happened. I can honestly say that I once had found the perfect guy in my youth, but it never came to pass and that is all I have to say about that.

One of my greatest regrets, even though I ended up with a very lucrative managerial career, is that I never completed my formal education. I graduated from a vocational college, but I had always wanted to go to a university and earn my Bachelor's degree. In 2004, I tried going back to college to earn my degree, but had some medical issues that forced me to drop out. Thank God my children did not follow my example and I always encouraged them to get a formal education. One son has a Doctorate and my daughter completed her Bachelor's Degree, the twins completed their Associate's Degrees and will be completing their Bachelor's Degrees this year. I had often been told by my superiors that had I fulfilled a Bachelor's Degree I could have easily been in a high level Administrative position -- one told me he could see me easily slide into a position of Assistant Superintendent. That was such a wonderful compliment to me -- if only.

And my last regret, even though I wouldn't change anything that happened in my life when it came to husbands, because my children are a direct blessing as a result of them, I wished I had met my current platonic relationship and companion many years ago -- before all my less than perfect choices. I have never been so unconditionally loved by a person as I have been by him. Because of our past hurts and relationships, we have chosen to remain companions and take care of each other until death do us part without the demands and complications that come with marriage. I'm going to share with you a picture that my daughter created through the used of AI of me and my companion when we were in our later teens.

So I leave you with this thought, even though I have regrets, they are part of my testimony and my life became what it is today -- even with the regrets and less than perfect choices I have made. Again, I know God has a plan and purpose for my life. I know because of Jesus, I'm assured that one day all this suffering and regrets will be gone forever. It will one day be irrelevant to my existence.

Isaiah 43:18-19 -- "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing."

2 Corinthians 7:10-11 -- "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

1See, I am doing a new thing!