Honoring My Parents

As you read my blog, you have read about the misfortunes I have experienced in my upbringing by my parents. I can’t even begin to try and analyze some of their reasoning behind the dysfunction, but unfortunately it was always there and it’s what was familiar. I’m glad it is in the past and that forgiving them on my part is what has given me peace in this area. I lived the life they provided, but their memory of their shortcomings escapes them and they always have excuses as to why things happened. Setting aside the disappointment, there are actually silver linings to their existence and I’d like to take the opportunity through this blog to honor them.

My biological father. I have his mother’s face. I resemble a bit of my Mom, but after seeing a picture of my grandmother on my biological Dad’s side, there is no question that I took the Grenier side in my facial features. I really didn’t get the opportunity to get to know my father. My parents divorced when I was a toddler to very small child. I met my father as an adult when I got married to my second husband. I don’t remember how the reunion transpired. I do know my Mom and Stepdad arranged and paid for his and his wife’s travel to San Diego. My heart melted when I met him. I could see for the first time who I looked like. He spoke French to me, which he was fluent in speaking. We shared as many memories as we could share in the short time we spent together. After we met, there were some infrequent exchanges through mail. My brother had shared some misinformation with me regarding my biological father’s opinion about me. My biological father contacted me when he had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. I shared with him what my brother told me about what he thought about me when we previously had met and he told me he would have never said what was shared to me. So I let it go and we shared some lovely conversations during those short months of his diagnosis. I fell in love with a father I never got to know. After he passed, his sister kept in touch with me and shared pictures and memories with me for several years after up until she passed away. I found out my father was a chef, he served in the Marines during the Korean War era. He sang opera. He lived a simple life in Kansas City, Missouri. He had grown up in Manchester, New Hampshire. My brother and I were his only biological children. He had been married a couple times after my Mom. He had thought it important to let me know that my Mom alleged he had an affair and that is what caused the divorce. He denied it even again as he was dying. I told him what happened between them was their story. He explained that he stayed out of our lives when my Mom remarried. He said he didn’t want to interfere with the dynamics of that marriage. I shared with him the familial violations and he expressed regret for me having to endure the abuses. He got to know about all four of his grandchildren and I shared pictures. Before he passed, the twins had just been born two months prior. He took pride in knowing his DNA would be moving on through my children. I was very sad when he passed at the age of 62, but I valued the time we had in getting to know him a little better and hearing his voice.

I’ve shared about my Mom in previous blogs. Our relationship has been strained. She gave me my foundation of learning about Jesus. She has bibles and commentaries with resources that have been studied, marked and falling apart. Her belief in doctrine is very different than mine. Although she shares a love regarding Jesus and heaven, the rest of her theology is based on fire and brimstone and that everything in the world is corrupted and horrible. Her birthdays are marked as one day closer to heaven. She is 85 years old now, but has always looked at death as a welcome since her 40’s. I can't imagine living life and despising it as much as she does. I honestly don't think that God doesn't want us to have good days while waiting on His return. She grows amazing gardens. She has a very contagious laugh, along with a sense of humor. She has always served in children’s ministry at church. She has always had a love for children, outside her own. She was our biggest critic always. There were brief moments of kindness and as much love as she could provide, but there was always motive and a slew of manipulation. None of her generational children were exempt from her somewhat overbearing personality. She has always been an artist. A masterful one — I believe her artistry was her greatest gift. By profession she was a nurse. She liked serving the sick. She’s always been on the eccentric side. My Mom has her own story and is plagued by many demons from her past. I don’t think she ever quite got that part in the Bible of letting it go. Although she will deny it, she has prescription drug addiction -- it started in her 40's. She’s always been a bit of a hypochondriac. Since her 40’s she is always going to doctors and ER. It was shared by her sisters that she always complained of illness as a child as well. She has also had been diagnosed with a form of mental illness. I believe at one point she took medication, but she is of the belief that God will shield and get her through life as is. I can admire her faith, but I believe this might be a huge part of the dysfunction our family was subjected to for all these years. She has had several delusions in her life that she believed to be true, but had conjured up in her mind to bring controversy. Nothing her children could do for her was enough -- she always demanded unrealistic expectations. Some of us were disowned many times for long periods. When they came to live with me and as my sister was cleaning out her home to sell per her request, there were several things found that did not make sense to us and concerned us as to some of her in home idiosyncrasies. She had a tendency to become irrational in her reasoning. There are parts of her I love very much. However her toxicity had taken a toll on my life (both physically and mentally) and in 2021, I had to remove myself from it. She was trying to tear my family apart when I had agreed to take care of her and my stepfather (with Alzheimer’s) in my home. It was probably one of the worst decisions I made and my family agrees. My sister keeps a distant eye on my parents and will give me brief updates as to their well being.

My stepdad, who I have always referred to as Dad as he stepped into our lives when I was 6 years old and married my Mom when I was 7 years old. He had just gotten out of the Army after serving for four years during Vietnam. He married into a family of two children. 13 years later my sister would be born. It’s unfortunate that he was very abusive (both physically and emotionally) up into his 30’s. He crossed serious boundaries. Although he too was instrumental in making sure our family went to church and taught us about Jesus. He was raised Catholic, but converted to Seventh Day Adventist in the 70’s. The years after his 30’s were more functional and he actually became a responsible provider. I always referred to him as a professional student, because he was always learning up until his early 50’s. He was a janitor, machinist, industrial engineer, optician, farrier, accountant, elementary school teacher, high school teacher, vocational school teacher, and semi truck driver. He had a couple Associates Degrees and earned his Bachelors of Science Degree later in life. He also went to school to learn how to be a mechanic for fixing Hondas. I’d say my Dad was pretty intelligent. He also liked wearing a suit and tie. Aside from providing me a dysfunctional childhood, he made up for his shortcomings by being a loving grandfather. He doted on my children and bought them educational collections. He liked taking them to the Greasy Spoon for breakfast. It's unfortunate, but because of my Dad's abusive past, there was always a watchful eye on him and my children were educated to his previous indiscretions -- it was for their protection. He was a loving and pleasant grandfather with my brother’s children as well. My Dad purchased a house in Yucaipa in 1977 and they later moved into another house there and always owned horses and farm animals. My little sister grew up as a country girl. She was overprotected, but not physically abused by my Dad, but my Mom was a bit much at times with her.

I thought my sister had a better life than my brother and I as children, she almost escaped unscathed until she hit her teens. She became a caregiver for them. My Mom’s health deteriorated according to my Mom and it’s unfortunate that my little sister carried the load of taking care of both of them, along with herself. My sister’s saving grace was meeting her wonderful husband while attending college. However, my little sister made sure our parents were taken care of and her husband was very supportive.  Unfortunately, my sister could never do everything my parents requested of her and eventually, she got burnout and was exhausted. That's when I tried to assist her with taking them into my home for that short period of time. We have done everything we could have possibly done for them to make their lives less miserable, and now we can move forward without any regrets. 

Over a period of years, my Dad finally was forced into retirement by my Mom’s constant attention to her ailing health in her 60’s. By the time she reached her late 60’s my Dad started to exhibit cognitive issues. I once told her, she probably was driving him crazy with all her demands on him. During the time my sister wasn’t present, my father had become my Mom’s caregiver. He did EVERYTHING for her and my Mom is not nice when she feels her pains and illnesses. So my Dad started getting forgetful, my Mom showed him no grace. He started running red lights. My sister had him evaluated and he got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He is 80 years old now. He also has Stage 4 melanoma. But because my Dad has Alzheimer’s he says he is healthy. Several years back when I was visiting my parents, my Dad and I were working on a crossword puzzle. We finally completed the puzzle of a beautiful country scene. In the center was a country store. My Dad said matter of factly, “Wow, this place looks familiar. It looks like a place I’ve never been.” I looked at him square in the face and told him, “Wow Dad, that was a profound statement.” And we both laughed until our sides hurt. My Dad has an intense sense of humor in his old age. He loves his iPad and playing solitaire. He plays games as a means to keep his brain as cognitive as he can. Prior to my parents dramatic exit from my home in 2021, my Dad still played chess with one of my sons.

Watching my parents dynamics as they lived in my house for a short duration in 2021 was hard to watch. My Mom was very curt and argumentative with my Dad. She’d get upset with him for playing his games quietly and not paying attention to her. She’d get mad at him for calling me Sweetie after I fed him a home cooked meal or sandwich I made for him. She finally said, she wanted him to only eat his red delicious apples, his individual pumpkin pies, his salad bowls and sandwiches from WalMart. She insisted that was all he needed. This was done a couple weeks before they left. I think she knew she didn’t want to stay and wanted things to stay easy for her. They are very codependent on each other. They have been married 58 years. When decisions were being made pertaining to their caregiving and what was best for them, my Mom adamantly rejected every option and ultimately decided my sister and I would no longer be held responsible for making decisions pertaining to her or my Dad. My sister and I had their best interest in our hearts and it would involve some modification as to their current living situation and changes to her current opioid consumption and medical procedures that would provide her a better quality of life and she couldn't handle those modifications her new doctors wanted to make, so my Dad became a casualty to her terrible choice for self preservation for her only. My Dad has always been taken care of by his Veteran's Benefits, so his medical regime only required relocation and they are very involved in his wellness and care. I wish I could say the same about my Mom's wellness and care. The VA pays for a caregiver for my Dad and in turn, my Mom has befriended the caregiver for herself. Ultimately, the VA will take over decision making for my Dad when medically necessary. I pray daily for God's mercy on both of them.

Exodus 20:12 -- "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.

Ephesians 6:1-4 -- "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."