Being Broken

I recently read a meme that really resonated with me. It said that one day Jesus will hug me so hard and tight that He will pull all those broken pieces together again and make me whole. I can honestly say that He has already done that for me over and over again. As you read my blogs, you can see how at different periods of my life I have experienced being broken.

Some of my brokenness happened as a result of other's breaking me or some of my choices that I made that were of my own doing. No matter what situation occurred the feeling of being broken is very real. There were times where I felt my life was hopeless and the pain was too much to bear. There were periods of my time where I thought God was so far removed from my life how could I possibly call on Him now to get me through what I was experiencing. The truth of the matter is that He never leaves us. It is us pulling ourselves away from Him. So I can attest 100% of the time that I thought He couldn't possibly save me and see me through, He did and He did it without me even asking, because myself and my pride had gotten in the way. I have to remember that God through Jesus Christ chose me and because of that, He isn't going to let me go -- even if I pull myself away.

I can share now that I'm 65 years old that I have never felt so close to God. Maybe it is because my years are now numbered and I know NOW is always the right time to get back on track with what I know and believe in my heart to be my true reason and purpose for why I exist. I have finally reached a point in my life where what is happening in the world doesn't matter as much and that I have to keep the faith that God is in control of everything that happens while we are living here. I've made it a point to look beyond the hate and the disparaging words of others and to really focus on seeing them "Through Jesus's Eyes". This is how I am choosing to live the rest of my life.

There are days where sometimes the brokenness of my past will be remembered by situations I experience even now. The scars of what was, sometimes remind me of a past and how I felt. When I get those pangs that's when I pray and ask God to remove the memories of what was and to help me remember that He took control of those experiences and they are no more. When you experience being broken, you can feel and empathize with people who are going through periods of brokenness. You know what it feels like. All I can do is let them know first, I will pray for their situation and then let them know that I too have gone through similar experiences and it will get better. We all will experience those dark valleys in one way or another. I've never met a person who has not had to experience some form of suffering. Also, it must be remembered that we all have suffered different levels of suffering and brokenness, but to that person the feeling of hopelessness is always the same. I've never told someone, that I can remember, that their situation isn't that bad, because to them -- it is. However, I will be encouraging and try to give them words of comfort. When there are no words, then you just sit next to them and listen. If they have nothing to say, then you just sit with them,  just so they know -- they are not alone. Sometimes that's all we need.

I've had brokenness that has put me out for days. Days where I couldn't get out of bed. Days where I sat in a corner of a room and just cried. Times that took me down to my knees. I've been so blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who let me experience my brokenness and do what I needed in order to get back on track. I remember there were overwhelming days where I told myself, I couldn't do today --  not again. So I would just drive my car toward San Diego and go sit with a Mocha Latte at Seaport Village. Yes, my phone would ring and usually there was always a concerned family or friend asking me what I was going through. I would share what I could and they would understand. Also, as a Christian, it is always so wonderful to have a body of family and friends who always offer to pray. There have been times where I have been so tired, hopeless and sad that I felt I couldn't even pray -- that's when the family and friends come by your side and hold your arms up for you. I've been blessed with those kind of family and friends all my life. I know God puts them there for me.

There was a time when I was broken that I actually had to seek out counseling outside of my own church, family and friends just to understand the chaos that was going through my head. I can recall the times when the brokenness didn't let me sleep. I had an experience where I would sleep in small increments of minutes for 22 days straight. When you get sleep deprived, your body does some pretty scary stuff to you. I remember walking down my home hallway and actually seeing the walls closing in on me. I've looked at pictures sitting throughout my house, where I saw their faces melting. I've gotten physically sick at times. These are the times you not only reach out to God, but you seek professional help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing sometimes you need earthly help along with the divine. God also gave us a fully functioning brain and resources to help us in our times of need.

Even now, sometimes I just have to shut off the noise of the world. I will shut off the TV's and social media and put my focus back into the Word and read scripture that brings me comfort. I am consistent in listening to Worship music on the radio. Also playing the piano, guitar and singing brings me joy and focus. And I do art and paint. I don't feel broken anymore, I just know that I have been broken before. I know it was God through Jesus Christ who mended that brokenness for me. 

Psalm 147:3 -- "He heals the brokenhearted; And binds up their wounds."

Joel 2:32 -- "And it shall come to pass that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Ephesians 1:4 -- "Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love."