Persecution By Those Who Love You

 

Before I knew how to deal with my dysfunctional upbringing and traumas, I used to write in diaries and express my feelings by writing down on random pages of paper and then wadding them up and throwing them into a small 8 inch trash can that had been created as a means to be able to express feelings and then throw them out. Sometimes, I would go a step further and burn the contents of my little trash can. In my earlier childhood it was actually my Mom who provided me my first diary. Later said diary would become her weapon against me when she actually decided to violate my private thoughts by reading the content and then asking me why I wrote what I did. I probably should have seen the writing on the wall that she probably intentionally gave me the diary, so she could read its contents when I thought they were safe. So I got smarter as I got older and used the trashcan and destroyed what I wrote. It's unfortunate that my Mom was able to manipulate me in different kinds of way to get me to express my feelings to her. She would act like she really wanted to help me work things out by me sharing what life confusions I might be experiencing. Then somewhere in the conversation it would turn into her scolding me. It took a long time for me to catch on to her and then I knew I couldn't share my feelings and thoughts with her. Especially after I had been sexually abused at the age of 11-13. She asked me why I hadn't told her about being molested and I told her why and my fears as to why I didn't say anything.  Instead of supporting me through my thought processes she responded by telling me I didn't tell her because I liked it. Talk about betrayal. It was during these years that I wished I hadn't been born into the family I belonged to. I learned to not be able to trust her.

After years of her berate and ridicule due to the fact that I wanted to obey God's commandment to Honor Thy Mother and Father, I could no longer stand the toxicity of our relationship and had to remove her from my life in order to preserve my mental health. In making this decision, I had gone through a lot of counseling and prayer prior to the following event. One of the last things she said to me prior to this decision is when my husband of 24 years decided to leave me. I knew the reasons behind the decision and I will admit it was two people (myself and him) who had destroyed our marriage together, but infidelity had played a huge role during our marriage together and I tolerated it much longer than I should have for the sake of trying to save yet another marriage. After taking in my parents into my home, my children had warned me not to, my Mom had issues of her own and started her usual berating of me and then started in on my children. She was upset because a doctor I had taken her to was changing her medical regime in order to get her healthy again. She didn't like me telling her that she needed to follow the orders that this particular doctor was trying to accomplish with her. So she lost her temper and that's when her rage began that day. So her final words to me in her devil possessed rage was that the reason my husband left me and his two grown sons was because I was a mean person. This was only a month after he left and the wounds were very fresh and my heart broken. One thing I have never been called by anyone who knows me is that I have a mean spirit. I tried to defend myself by asking her, "Oh, you think it didn't have anything to do with him loving someone else while being married to me for the last 13 years of our marriage?" Her rage had nothing at all to do with me but rather than dealing with her own issues, she decided to strike at me. I was the person who was trying to make life easier for her and my father. Finally in my frustration, and hurt with her, I told her it was apparent that she still held some contempt for me and that she probably should look for another place to live, because I will not allow her to berate me and my children in my own home. So the day before Thanksgiving, which was her usual mode of narcissism by making scenes with the family (not just mine) during holidays and vacations and become the center of everyone's attention, I drove my parents back down to a friend of hers as she desired. After this incident, I had to pull myself away from her and the hold she had on me as her older daughter. At 61, I had to begin the process of healing from my past and releasing it.

I've shared that I've had relationships in the past that were not lasting -- married and divorced four men. One of those relationships was an ex-husband who unknowingly to me had his own demons he had to deal with that I was unaware. The red flags were there, but I ignored them to my demise. After marrying him, I realized I probably had just made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For the most part of our "marriage" we were separated as he was very difficult to live with. He again was a womanizer who didn't respect the boundaries of marriage. After having a child with him, things just went bad to worse. He started to convince me that I probably had to see a counselor as he thought by observing me -- he was a substance abuse counselor, who I later learned was still taking the substances he wasn't supposed to be abusing -- that I may be too stressed and needed to work things out. In my counseling sessions, I found out that my problem wasn't me, but who I was in a relationship with. Said husband, was trying to convince me that I may be suffering from mental illness. After meeting with my counselor, they in fact told me that by what I was sharing with them, that he was the one suffering from a form of mental illness. Long story short, I divorced this man and in the process of evaluations it had been disclosed in the court sessions that he was in fact bipolar (manic depressive). In the end of all this mess, I obtained full custody of my child and broke free from the dysfunction. I might also add as a side note, this husband is a man I met at church.

Ironically, in all the above situations described, it was during the time I was going to church -- sometimes by doing things my way instead of following the guidelines set before me through scripture.  However, because God loves me so much -- I survived and my relationship with Jesus has only gotten stronger. Understand that while going through these different and difficult phases of my life, I maintained communication to God. I'm sure many times, he would just shake his head at me, but the rescuing hand reaching down to me would always pick me back up. Also through these times, I had a circle of friends and family who prayed for me constantly. As I was living in the midst of these dark situations, I just thought I was living life and having struggles, but now looking back and reflecting on it, I see what those who were around me witnessed. Many of my family members and friends have shared with me and are thankful how I came out of it. My life is blessed with abundance in so many areas these days. I've had friends and family tell me, I deserve the life I have now because of everything I've had to go through in my life. I always respond to them, that I deserve nothing, but I obviously have a God who loves me tremendously.

I believe and know from my own experiences, people who persecute other people with their lies and manipulation suffer from some sort of mental illness. In their dysfunctional brains and actions, they bring the innocent victims into their worlds and try to entrap them and pull them down.  Sometimes they succeed for a moment. Through the power of Jesus, the victims are healed and rise stronger.

Luke 21:16 "You will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends." 

Matthew 10:36 "A man's enemies will be the members of his own household."

Jeremiah 12:6  "For even your brothers and your father's household have betrayed you; they have plotted against you. Believe them not even when they speak friendly words to you."

Psalm 27:10 "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in."

Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Matthew 5:44 "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.“