Freedom
I attended a church where they offered a series and weekend of classes that provided a learning process and exercises about leaving your past behind you, reconciling your past transgressions and moving forward with your life into freedom. The series is called Freedom. It was the first time I was able to release my guilt and shame that I had been carrying for years. (Even with my counseling.) I took this series when I was 58 years old. By this time, I had lived a lot of life and committed a lot of sin. It’s my Jubilee year (7th) of freedom.
I don’t really like to talk about my transgressions (no one does) as I’ve dealt with it through God already, but these areas are part of my personal testimony. These are the areas where Jesus comes into my life and restores.
I grew up knowing the Christian values of how one should live in accordance to biblical truth and scripture. Because I hadn’t really dealt with the traumas of my past, there was a lot of shame and unresolved feelings I wrestled with in my mind. There was a point in my life where I set my Christian values aside and lived contrary to what I knew was right. Prior to my first marriage, I did not full on compromise myself when it came to relationships with boys, but sometimes my behavior with them was less than innocent. I did not have my first fully consensual sexual experience until I married my first husband. After that marriage and after my second marriage, I set aside all my values and was promiscuous. While I was in marital relationships, I was loyal and stayed within the marriage boundary. Prior to those relationships and in between, I was not living a celibate lifestyle. I will admit after one of my husband’s stepped out of our boundaries more than once, I sought revenge and stepped out of my boundaries while still married with him. It doesn’t lessen the sin or justify it, but it’s what I did. It wasn’t until I was 44 years old that I turned this sexually immoral part of my life around. Part of my Freedom class was to put all these transgressions at Jesus’s feet and release the burden of my shame and guilt. I had remorse and asked for forgiveness during the time after each transgression when they occurred, but kept hanging on to the guilt through my life up until my last marriage. During this Freedom exercise as I recalled and released each transgression, I was the last person to finish the exercise, because I recalled each and every one. I had named every man I had been intimate with on a slip of paper and prayed for forgiveness of each name written.
Also in trying not to cope with my trauma, guilt and shame, there were times in my life where I smoked cigarettes (3 months), smoked marijuana, popped whites (3 months) and drank alcohol excessively. My first year in college I went from 100 to 85lbs. These habits were not continuous throughout my life, but rather in phases. By the age of 26, it was discovered I had a chronic illness, so I discontinued all, but occasional alcohol. Releasing the guilt of abusing my body was also part of Freedom.
During these times, I considered myself a Christian and attended church. I was also a hypocrite. I knew I couldn’t be in the world and focusing on heavenly things. These times are definitely not my proudest moments. One thing I knew in my heart though was that I desperately needed church and God.
When I smoked marijuana in college, I stopped when one of my so called friends had laced a joint with opium and I saw hand traces. I saw where my life was headed. In my later adult life, I smoked marijuana for a short time when I had full body arthritis and insomnia. (It was purely medicinal and after Freedom.)
Another area I’ve really had to work on in my life is my potty mouth. I had convinced myself that I cussed due to frustration and for lack of a better word. Even now, I’ll catch myself and have to pull back on the reins. My BFF would be proud of the strides I have made in this area, thanks to a lot of prayer and restraint.
As a mother, I’ve done my best, but at times have fallen short. My children have witnessed my frustrations and were the casualties of my divorces. I tried to conceal most of my shortcomings and bad judgement calls from them, but they were little geniuses. Thank God they believe in forgiveness. My kids (grand children included) know they too are the reasons and my purpose in this life. I love them to the ends of the earth and would do anything for them. I’ve told them I would live my life over just as it was to assure they were part of my life. I remember when I found out I was having twins, I asked God why he gave me two as I thought I didn’t even deserve the opportunity to raise even one more. The pregnancy was planned, but I was hoping it wasn’t God’s will for me to conceive again. God’s way is always better and having them was one of my greatest blessings. To this day they have each other and their brother bond is very close. I thank God for all my kids daily, more than once.
With each and every one of these vices, transgressions, sins — the only way I was able to overcome each one was through the power of prayer. Did I seek counseling to put me back on track? Yes I did. In my previous blogs when I talk about how Jesus pulled me through dark times and protected me along the way — these are the part of those times.
Corinthians 6:18-20 "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own."
Micah7:19 "You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Comments
Post a Comment