Scars
I would think that the majority of people on this earth has a scar of some sort or another. When I think of scars, I can think of the scars I received due to accidents or the scars I bear due to childbirth. There are also the internal scars that are there that no one can see. Sometimes I think the internal kind of scars are worse than the external ones.
I'll start with a scar I received on my left hand and when I was about 17 years old. I've always loved fires in a controlled setting. Starting the fireplaces, campfires and barbecues. I used to just like to light a stick match just to watch it burn down. Well on this particular day, I found a matchbox and decided to light the match to watch it burn. It was so intriguing to watch it burn. I was in an open area in our backyard. Then I got this brilliant idea to light one of my Mom's plant identifier sticks to watch it burn. Burn it did. The colors that came off that plastic were amazing. However, usually half way down the matchstick, I would blow the matchstick out or shake my hand to turn the flame off. So in my lack of brilliance, I decided to shake the lit plastic plant stick to put it out as it got too big for my hand to hold. In doing so, the flame didn't go out as quickly and a huge piece of melted plastic fell on my left hand right below my thumb. Oh the pain was excruciating. In reflex, I tried to grab the piece of plastic off my hand, but then it wouldn't come off and I actually burned the two fingers on my right hand as I tried pulling it off. Needless to say, after the plastic cooled off a bit and hardened, I was able to remove it from my hand. I had a scar for years to remind me of my stupidity of playing carelessly with fire. Lesson learned.
Another scar I own is on the bottom of my chin on the right side of my face. My husband had a catheter procedure done which had something to do with his heart. After we got home, the doctor informed us that we would need to remove the pressure bandage after two or three days. He instructed us that if I saw blood gushing out that I was to put the bandage immediately back on and call the doctor or 911. Needless to say the day of anxiety happened and both he and I slowly pulled back the bandage. I could feel my heart in my neck at the thought of all this blood spurting out. However, as we pulled it off nothing happened. Oh the relief we both felt. So as I started walking down the hallway into the den, I got this sick feeling in my stomach and everything went grey. Remember the previous blog about my vision and how my name was not found in the book of life? Well this was when that happened. As I came to, my husband was looking at me and asking me what should he do. I could barely speak and told him in a stroke like manner -- 911, 911. I had put my hand to my chin and there was blood everywhere. I had fainted and hit my face and chin into a glass top table and broke it and the shard of glass had cut my chin open. The EMT's applied first aid and I was somehow transported to emergency. The doctor at that time said he was a plastic surgeon and would try his best to leave me minimal scarring on my face. Then he said, it was sad that it was on my face. Said scar is still there and although he did a wonderful a job as he could, it had some issues. However, looking at that scar reminds me of that time, when I thought my name wasn't in the Book of Life in heaven. It's a reminder to stay focussed on Christ.
I have three scars on my left arm from lifting a rose bush and it was heavy so the rose bush pot fell, but some thorns got hung up on my arm and did not allow the plant to fall completely down. So now I have three scars from that mishap.
I have a scar from when my brother and I were double riding on a bicycle, the nice Schwinn Stingray bike I owned. I was on the back. My brother was the driver. I felt my foot fall into the spokes of the tire and screamed for my brother to stop and he didn't at first. Until all the neighbors ran out and told him to stop. By then my foot in the back was hamburger. That tendon healing took forever and was so painful. My Dad used to force my foot to bend so it wouldn't atrophy. It left a horrendous scar that I had for years.
Then of course my one huge scar that was cut three times for my children to be born below my stomach. I also have laparoscopic scars from my two hernia, gallbladder and hysterectomy surgeries. Inside my body I also have adhesion scars from all the surgeries I have had. Those aren't the inside scars I was referencing above, but they too are there.
As you read in previous blogs, I've shared about my sexual and physical abuse that I had to endure as a child. Those are the scars you don't see. Having to work through those traumas has built a really thick scar on my heart, where now I can actually talk about them without falling apart or crying. I wanted to share about one incident that really caused me a lot of trauma, but through the grace of God, the healing process endured above the abuse. There was one time when my father decided to inflict the most humiliating corporal abusive punishment he could muster up. I can’t recall why the discipline was imposed, but I can assure the reason was far less than the punishment inflicted. My Dad had me go out into our backyard which had a bush that produced whip like twigs. He told me to pick the longest and greenest one I could find. He took the leaves off of it. Led me into my bedroom. He said for me to take all my clothes off. I asked him, "You mean just my underwear right?" He had a ritual where he would have my brother and I pull off our underwear and grab our ankles. As he hit us, we were not allowed to raise off our ankles. If we did, he would inflict additional hits. So I thought that's what I was about to endure. No, he had more grandeur plans. He said no. You need to be completely naked. I was terrified as to what was about to happen. He had me hang onto the edge of my window ledge in the back window of my room. He told me not to lift off that ledge or he would inflict additional whips on me. So the whips began and they were so painful, I lifted off. Then the whips, as I lifted off, kept coming. I'm sure the screams I made with each whip were enough to wake the dead. At some point he stopped and told me to get dressed. The stinging of those whips were awful for days after. I remember taking a shower or a bath and it was torturous. I had a mirror in my room and I was able to see I had welts all up and down my back side. I attended school and at PE, I had really tried to conceal the welts from anyone seeing me undress. One girl saw and exclaimed, "Oh my God, Cindy what happened to you?" I told her that my Dad spanked me. I was so embarrassed by what she saw. Thank God, none of those scars remained on my back and legs, but the scars inside -- were permanent and never forgotten. I also suffered scarring from physical abuse my Mom also inflicted on me. One in particular I'm reminded of is when I was five minutes late getting home and the streetlights were coming on. As I reached the door my Mom had an engineer's t-stick in her hand. I saw the evil in her eye, so I ran down the street. She had my brother chase and bring me back. I just remember her hitting me repeatedly with that plastic t-stick until is broke in half and then jabbed into the back of my thigh. The pain from that was horrible, but that wasn't the end. My Dad at the time worked grave yard shift, so when he got home my Mom told him I ran from her and how I was late getting home. So guess who gets pull out of bed for another spanking? I asked him to watch my leg as it was really sore, so he proceeded to hit me directly on my leg that had been injured. Yes, I have scars. Remember after enduring three years of repeated sexual abuse and received counseling, my parents announced that my brother and I would no longer be spanked. That was by the age of 13 and my brother was 15. Believe me, he had scars too!! I don't know why as a child, I had to endure such horrible memories, but through a lot of prayer and counseling, I am here today writing about it. I know having to endure such abuse has made me a much stronger person. As a parent, I had to hold back some demons that would have made it easy to inflict the same on my children, but I never did. I could never understand how a parent could treat their children with such gross measures of discipline. When I spoke to my parents as an adult about it, they always had some weak excuses to justify why it occurred. I would remind them that I had to live with abuse and I would NEVER inflict that on my own children. Although there was a level of forgiveness, because it's hard to forgive when acceptance of the betrayal comes with an excuse or them not remembering it being that bad. I've moved on with my life and I can tell you, I have extreme compassion and empathy toward anyone, especially children who have had to endure such dysfunctional upbringings. I also have had to remove the toxicity out of my life in order to completely heal and forgive for myself and my own family. However, you never forget and the scars are there, even when people can no longer see them.
My relationship with Jesus has been my saving grace throughout it all. Through the trauma, there was always prayer. There were always the mentors in my life who kept me on track. There were individuals in my life who showed me love beyond measure. I know God put those people in my life. But the scars remain.
When I think of my scars, I know that my savior Jesus endured permanent scars on my behalf, because of my sins and everyone else's. I also know, that in heaven He will forever bear those scars. Although those scars remain with me while on earth, I know my scars will be completely healed because of what He did on the cross for me. His scars will serve as eternal reminders of his sacrifice, his victory over death, his humanity, and the glory of his triumph for all redeemed people as described in Revelation 5:6. (AI Generated Overview)
After Jesus was resurrected in John 20:19-20: "Jesus came and stood in the midst, and said to them, "Peace be with you." When He had said this, He showed them His hands and His side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord."
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