Control Freak!! Me?!?!

Ironically, I've started a study “It's All Under Control" by Jennifer Dukes Lee. I've only read the intro and first chapter. But it really got me thinking about whether or not I am a "Control Freak". What? Call it what you want OCD, ADHD, Anxiety, Worry, Pride, Ego, Selfishness, etc. You get the point. I was thinking to myself at my ripe old age of 65 years old, am I really still a control freak? And then the realization crept in -- once a control freak, always a control freak. I may not flail my arms as much in frustration as I did when I was in the tumult of raising children, balancing career and attempting relationships through marriage, but as I was evaluating my "retired" life, I have to admit that the feeling of being in control may still be an issue. Let's hope that by the time I finish this well thought out study from an expert, I will find some balance to not be that "controlling" personality of a person.

I have routines. As a person on said spectrum, routines and the way things are done in my life are very important to me and when they get discombobulated, my attitude changes and not in a positive way. It seems at times that one thing can throw off my whole day and this is even after a prayerful devotional in the morning before I even start my day. This week for instance. I have my calendar on my counter, because I tend to forget what I'm doing from moment to the next these days. I evaluated my plans for this week. It includes a planned trip out of town. Well, last Friday morning at an ungodly hour before I had risen from bed, I got a phone call. On the other end was a young lady reminding me of an appointment for my partner in life. I had already been told of this appointment by a rehab center where he stayed after his injury six weeks ago. But, said young lady on the phone gave me a different day. Instead of Wednesday, it was planned for Friday. My planned out of town trip starts on Friday with me traveling starting at 10:00AM. His appointment doesn't allow me to keep my plans as set. Mind you, I plan ahead and put my ducks in a row as to what I need to accomplish and when in order for this trip to happen. It's a mindset. Hmmm, control? I should have included mindset above. So anyway, it totally wrecked me that instead of traveling at 10:00AM, I would be leaving later in the afternoon. That's when Holy Spirit kicked in and reminded me, "Cindy, you are leaving one day early in order to accommodate your purpose for the out of town trip. Why are you working yourself up for nothing?" Convicted. -- Obviously, this hasn't been the first time my routine has changed and my reaction to change is similar each time.

One thing I have always wanted to control is my weight -- it's been impossible!! But I develop these rituals each time I convince myself that I have to lose weight. I have to do this much exercise in order to lose this much weight. I need to specifically consume only this many calories in order to lose weight and not become malnutrition. Even with my controlled or what I think are controlled efforts, sometimes it doesn't work out as planned. It took me through to my 60's to finally release the demon that controls my thought on having to be in total control of this area of my life. Believe me, this took a lot of self-reflection and prayer.

Looking back to when I was a Human Resources Manager for a school district, oh my goodness I know I must have been at the height of my control issues. I actually had a wonderful mentor at that time who showed and gave me permission to delegate to others to make my life easier. He recognized that I wanted to control every aspect of my job. Balancing family and career is a hard task if one loses control -- there it is again. I remember the frustration of not being able to control everyone and everything in order to accomplish "MY" agendas. Sometimes I would pull in the reins by quoting the infamous, "Let Go and Let God!!"  Who was I kidding? I knew I had no control at all. What drives me to think I can control every aspect of my life?

Currently, I'm responsible for maintaining the balance and operations of three households. I've learned that because I can't be in two places at one time, I've learned to delegate -- this has been very hard for me as I like to be directly involved in what is happening when it pertains to properties I have been given stewardship to -- I like to be in control.  Initially, when the boys took over responsibility of maintaining our home in Los Banos, I was frustrated, because they don't have the same standard of cleanliness and haven't learned all the life skills yet that it takes to maintain a home. So, when I would go home, I worked frantically to get my house back in order -- "my way". It started to become an exhausting task, because I was home so I could relax and enjoy our family time together. Again, I had to release the reins and realize that my sons are now young adults who can handle what needs to be done their way. In fact, God has opened my eyes as to how truly talented these young men are. They are way more advanced in organizing using technology than I ever was at their age. Also, I didn't want to be a harping mother. I want to be the person they can rely on and get complimented on the things they do accomplish. It is very easy to want to control -- I'm getting better.

There have been times in my life where I have been later than I had wanted to be to get someplace. Sometimes, I am given insight as to why I was delayed. When I was traveling, I pulled up into traffic and realized that there is an accident ahead -- then I think, "Oh my goodness, had I been earlier that could have been me involved in that place at the time of the accident."  Then at that moment, I always thank God for the delay, but pray for everyone who was involved in the accident. This has actually happened quite frequently in my life. My way and my control of trying to do it my way, isn't always the right way.

So the phrase, "Let Go, Let God" -- that isn't just a cliche. It's a reassurance as to who is truly in control of my life and every aspect of it. I've been shown time and time again, how when I let go of the reins of control and release it to God, it all works out. 

Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (ESV)

MY FAVORITE: Romans 8:28 - 'And we know that those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (ESV)

Proverbs 16:9 - "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (ESV)