A Thorn In Your Side

I was born with what I consider afflictions. First, I was born pretty much looking at my nose. One eye was worse than the other. I believe I was about 5 or 6 years old when my Mom, as a single parent, was able to get my eyes corrected with surgery. I remember the surgery was performed at a Catholic hospital in Los Angeles County. I remember the nuns in their habits walking around. In fact, I recall a nun being the one who poked my finger for a blood sample during the admissions process. After the surgery, I also remember the white part of both my eyes being blood red. It was a frightening look. I remember my Mom holding me in her lap as we drove home (before car seat laws) and the driver taking a slow time going over bumps in the road and railroad tracks. I remember that being my Mom's urging. So yes, that affliction was mostly corrected. I still have an eye that always wanted to pull in and I endured some mockery as a result. Even in my senior year, I had a boyfriend who asked me why my eye would occasionally turn in and I told him. Afterward, he started to look at me and cross his eyes. Soon after I graduated, I had to take a confidence building class, so I could look people in the eyes again when I spoke. I had a hard time looking at people on a regular basis because of my autism quirk, but after that boyfriend had a year to tease me, I really didn't look people in the eyes anymore. Thus the class and remarkably it helped. I just got used to telling people that I was in fact looking at them and that my eyes crossed, because I was born that way. My second affliction was my autism although I didn't really let it define me. I just learned to live with being different and understanding why I was a little different with my lack of filters, etc. I learned how to survive the shortcomings it produces by using my survival skills in order to "fit in" the norm and not be teased daily.

At the age of eight years old, I was diagnosed with having arthritis in my knees -- later in life this would move to practically my whole body, especially when it is cold. At the age of 26, I started having issues with anxiety and a rapid heart beat. At the age of 36, I had developed hypertension. After my second child at 30 years old, I really struggled with obesity. At the age of 42, it was finally discovered that my ailments were all related to Graves Disease/Hashimotos Disease. The give away was that my right eye started getting huge. So huge, that my eyelid would get stuck behind my eyeball. That was such a painful ordeal. However, I've learned to live with the condition and thanks to medical technology, doctors have been able to keep my disease under control. Later with the obesity issue, I developed pre diabetes and then diabetes. I am happy to say that due to perseverance, a lot of prayer and the laying on of hands, I was able to lose 60-70lbs. at times through changing my eating habits and exercising. My weight still fluctuates between 10 and 20 lbs. About 4 years ago, because of the health modifications and weight loss, I have not been pre diabetic or diabetic since. I still have a lot of issues that go with having this chronic illness, but I have learned to live with it. Some days are better than others as with any illness. I know there are people in this world who have it far worse than I do. One thing I would always ask God was "Why me Lord?  Why do I have to struggle with these afflictions?"

Many times, I would reflect on the timing of my illnesses and would think because of my character flaws that sometimes by having these afflictions, it kept me from living a different life -- and maybe my life could have taken a different direction for the worst. I've also had many surgeries aside from my birthing and eye surgeries. I ended up having a hysterectomy, gallbladder removal and a couple hernia surgeries. So now, I have intestinal issues that go with having adhesions in the abdominal and intestinal regions. Because of my last hernia surgery and a fluctuation in weight, I believe I have two or three more hernias, but I do not ever want to go through another one of those surgeries, unless something gets strangulated, which I've been told could happen. Oh woe is me. I know that is what I sound like, but I just wanted to give you an overview of my medical history and what I deem as afflictions.

So as I wrote the other day in my blog, I've been watching The Chosen series -- we finally finished (great series if you are looking to watch something meaningful). Well there was a part in the series where you saw healings and a resurrection done by Christ. His disciples watched these miracles. There is one disciple Little James who was afflicted with having a hard time walking due to a leg development issue at birth. He was questioning Jesus why his affliction hadn't been taken away. Jesus proceeded to tell him that sometimes trails, sufferings and afflictions are given to individuals as part of their story. How even though we don't have an understanding of it at the time, how in the eternal realm it would be deemed as a strength to have had to endure such a thorn in the side, but still remained faithful and setting aside our own sufferings and continue our journey to help others and fulfill our purpose. During that part, it was an aha moment for me and I actually welled up with tears. I had a better understanding of why I don't have the physical freedoms that so many others have in their lives. My afflictions are all part of my story. I have the faith and hope that one day after departing this world, my body will be whole and I will no longer suffer silently anymore. I will be healed by the hand of God himself through Jesus Christ. I also believe that some suffering is beyond our understanding, but I continue to have faith that one day, we will understand.

Romans 5:3-5: "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (NIV)