Seeking For Things That Could Not Satisfy
I love watching people who set wonderful examples. They live according to a belief system they have developed. They do life decisions based on what is moral and right. They are goal setters and don't compromise at all.
I am surrounded by couples who have known each other since they were very young. They have been married for over 50 years. They picked that one person who they have ended up spending their whole lives with.
My biological parents divorced when I was around 3 or 4 years old. I don't know the specifics. As I was growing up, I had always told myself that I didn't want to end up divorced. It was such a sad memory for me. And I don't know why I never listened to the part of the Bible that speaks of being equally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 advises against forming binding relationships with non-believers. It should have gone a step further and mentioned that even if they were a believer, they probably should have been brought up in a similar Christian background as your family. There are obviously more factors that go along with choosing a life partner. So here is my story. It's not a happy one.
You'll recall, I was sexually abused at 4 years old and again from 11-13 years old. From that point on, I always thought myself as defiled and dirty. That there would be no man who could love a girl that was not a "virgin" -- an untouched woman. At least that is what was pounded in my head. If you were touched sexually, no one would want to be with you. Especially not a nice boy. From 8th grade on, I always had boyfriends. I don't remember a time when I didn't have a romantic interest in my life. That went into my adulthood.
I was married at the age of 20 years old. I was married off and on for 45 years total. My first husband who I married for all the wrong reasons (mostly to escape a dysfunctional household) lasted all of 8 months (1980-1981). My second marriage was from 1982-1990. My third husband I married twice and divorced twice and that relationship lasted from 1990-1998. Then my fourth and final husband lasted for 24 years from 1998-2022. So, I was married and divorced five times to four different husbands. This is something that I am definitely not proud of and have prayed hard for forgiveness. I'm not going to bash my ex husbands as I was as equally responsible for them falling apart as they were. The term it takes two to tango is spot on. Do I have regrets? You bet I do!! So out of all this marriage chaos, there are blessings. There are four of them. My beautiful children a son from husband #2, a daughter from husband #3, and a set of twin sons from husband #4. There were other blessings as my children grew and got married, I was blessed with a granddaughter and a grandson from my daughter. My kids know my story and I have told them that I regret getting married and should have stayed single, but I will never regret having them as my children. I told them if I had to endure my life again to assure I had them, I'd do it all over again. In my mind, what has been done is done and it is my story. I can't change it. But there is a better ending to my story. Every time I made my horrible choices, I begged for forgiveness and you know what? I know I am forgiven and I have been restored, because of the blood Jesus bore for my life. Because I know he loves me.
I've known the story of the woman at the well, the Samaritan. She had five husbands and was living with an unmarried one. I never thought that I would be able to relate to even one character in the Bible, but I certainly can relate to her. After my last divorce, I thought I would be going through life without a companion by my side. I was just ready to die and call it all quits. (John 4:4-42)
But there was a bigger plan that I never thought possible. After being divorced for a year, I met a gentleman, who had been somewhat rejected by his family because of an accident that happened to him when he was young. He suffered brain damage, blindness in one eye and has epilepsy. We are the same age. He is very eccentric because of his disability, but you know what, I can relate to different. He was living like a hermit and afraid to live life after Covid. Because he was so different, I thought we were probably going to be friends for a while, but eventually he may not care to have me visit anymore. Well due to some health problems he started to have, he asked me if I could take care of him and he would pay me to be his personal assistant. He would get me an apartment of my own where I would be able to still have my independence and he could have his. My children are now grown, so I thought, why not? We have known each other for almost four years now. I can tell you that we have grown to love each other very much, but we are not intimate. We do live in the same house now. I take care of my own home that I own separately in Central California and I take care of the household we share. I do everything for him. He is independent still with his own self care, but I take care of paying bills, buying groceries, paying household expenses, cooking, doing laundry. I hired house cleaners that he pays for to take care of the huge home where we reside. We have committed to taking care of each other until death us do part. My children are also part of this arrangement and really have grown to like him a lot. They love that I am not alone and that he has given my life purpose, outside of my own life I had created for myself. When he is not ill and can take care of his self for durations, I travel and spend time with my children, family and friends when they are not traveling to me.
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